Why ‘just be yourself’ is terrible advice for women leaders
“I learned to always take on things I’d never done before. Growth and comfort do not coexist.”
“Just be yourself.”
It sounds empowering , but for many women in senior roles, it’s not only unhelpful but sometimes downright confusing.
In a recent Female Lawyers’ Club masterclass, leadership coach Anya Smirnova explored why authenticity can feel complicated for women leaders, and how to navigate it without holding yourself back.
Drawing on research by London Business School professor Herminia Ibarra, Anya’s session challenged one of the biggest myths about leadership: that authenticity means staying exactly as you are.
Authenticity isn’t fixed - it evolves
Many of us assume there is one “true self” we must discover and protect. But leadership often requires new behaviours, skills, and ways of showing up.
If you cling too tightly to how you’ve always been, you may limit your growth.
Authenticity, Anya explained, includes:
who you were
who you are now
who you are becoming
Growth doesn’t make you fake or less of who you once were. It simply makes you adaptable.
You are more than your job title
When asked “Who are you?”, most people start with roles:
Lawyer
Partner
Mother
Friend
But underneath those are deeper qualities, like empathy, curiosity, resilience and integrity, which remain stable even when your role changes.
This is especially important during transitions such as returning from maternity leave, changing firms, or stepping into leadership for the first time.
Whilst your role may change, your core doesn’t.
Context shapes how authentic you can be
Authenticity doesn’t mean behaving identically in every situation.
You might be:
decisive in court
collaborative with your team
nurturing at home
analytical in strategy meetings
None of this is inauthentic. It’s a demonstration of emotional intelligence: adjusting your behaviour while staying grounded in your values.
What matters is not only how authentic you feel, but how your behaviour impacts others.
The hidden cost of fitting in
Many women expend enormous energy trying to conform to expectations, particularly in environments historically shaped by male leadership styles.
This “conforming” might involve:
softening or hardening your communication style
downplaying caring responsibilities
hiding vulnerability
suppressing aspects of your identity
Over time, it’s exhausting, and often a fast track to burnout.
The double bind is real
Women leaders frequently face contradictory expectations:
Be assertive, but not aggressive
Be warm, but not weak
Be confident, but not intimidating
There is rarely a perfect balance, which means you may be criticised whichever path you choose.
Recognising this helps you stop internalising every negative reaction as a personal failure.
You discover authenticity by experimenting
Perhaps the most useful takeaway was this:
You don’t think your way into a new identity - you act your way into it.
Trying new behaviours isn’t fake. It’s learning how you can evolve into a better version of yourself.
Small experiments you could try might include:
speaking earlier in meetings
delegating tasks more or in a different way
adopting a more direct or more collaborative style
setting clearer boundaries
Some experiments will feel right, others won’t. Both scenarios will give you valuable insight.
Authentic leadership isn’t about oversharing
Authentic leadership is not about revealing everything about yourself or refusing to adapt.
Authentic leadership means:
knowing your values
staying open to growth
responding to context
acting intentionally rather than defensively
recovering quickly when things don’t land perfectly
Or put simply: being grounded, not rigid.
Final thought
You don’t have to choose between authenticity and ambition.
You’re allowed to evolve.
You’re allowed to try on new ways of leading.
You’re allowed to grow into a future version of yourself that you can’t fully see yet.
And for many women, that growth is exactly what leadership requires.
Enjoy the rest of your week.
Rachel