How to Deal with a Nightmare Boss
How best to deal with a difficult boss?
But Rachel, I hear you ask – whatever do you mean? There are no difficult people in law – they’re all delightful!
HA HA HA HA HA
*falls off chair laughing*
It’s fair to say that there are quite a few “interesting characters” in the legal profession – every firm and Chambers has them.
The ones who take credit for the work you’ve done.
The ones who talk over you in meetings.
The ones who think it’s funny to make blatantly sexist comments (“hope you’re not going to say you’re pregnant” was the frequent meeting-opener favoured by one particular person I had the joy of working with).
The ones who gossip about team members in front of you.
The ones who love to repeatedly refer to a previous mistake you’ve made in order to belittle you.
And so on…
(And they were all just one person! Ha!)
Unfortunately, working with difficult people is sometimes part of the job of being a lawyer. I think the law can attract people with inflated egos or twisted personalities who like to psychologically stamp on others. These types may well bill large amounts and their managers are unwilling to take action against them as a result. Or your firm may otherwise have a very hands-off approach to HR issues, leaving you to get on with it or leave.
If you’re in that scenario at the moment, I’m sorry. I know it’s really hard. I’ve encountered a few bullies in my career and I know how tough it can be. This will pass, I promise.
Here are some ideas on how to cope until such time as the bully finally crosses the line and is booted out and/or reported to the SRA/BSB, or you find a better job somewhere else.*
Remember it’s not your fault. They’re the ones who are out of line, not you.
Maintain professionalism at all times, even though I KNOW it’s hard. You’ll have chance to reflect when this is over, and it’ll help you to remember that you were the one who acted like a boss!
Acknowledge that this sucks. This is no time for fake positivity. Sometimes things are awful. With that said, bear in mind that this situation is undoubtedly helping to make you a much more resilient person which will benefit you for the rest of your career.
Try and see it from their perspective. This can be really hard! However, we never know what people are going through in their own lives. As Plato said, “be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.” They may be having a really tough time at home, they may have lost a family member, they may be under serious pressure from the firm’s management. I think you can assume that they have their own problems which explains why they’re behaving as they are. Hurt people hurt people. Plus, you won’t work with them forever, whereas they don’t get to escape from being them!
If you want to challenge their behaviour, express your concerns calmly and constructively as far as possible. Use "I" statements to express how their actions impact you and your work e.g. I feel very uneasy when you shout.
Keep a written record of the behaviour, so you can refer to it later and escalate to HR and/or management if needed. As lawyers we know the importance of keeping written records but it can be easy to forget when it comes to looking out for ourselves.
Seek support from colleagues, friends and family. It may help to chat it through with someone else.
Go home and write them a letter. Get it all down on paper. Tell them everything you wish you could say in real life. Then burn it and imagine all the toxic energy dissipating into the atmosphere.
Another helpful exercise can be to visualise a container for the toxic energy you’ve absorbed whilst working with that person. Imagine a big, very strong container. Now visualise all that toxic energy being sucked into the container. Put all the bad memories, comments and images into the container. Then close the lid. Know that this container can safely hold all these challenging thoughts so that they don’t take over your life. Do this exercise as often as you need to.
When I saw a coach many years ago about a toxic boss who was constantly finding fault with everything I did, he recommended that I visualise the event that had upset me happening in real life in front of me, and then shrink it so it fit on a small TV screen, then slowly turn the colour down so it was black and white and tiny. It helped at the time.
Find solace outside of work – make sure that you spend time every day doing something that you love, even if it’s just 10 minutes. If you don’t have a hobby then find one. If nothing else, you could simply spend 10 minutes reading a magazine devoted to something you’re interested in. At times like this, it’s really important to look after yourself.
I find physical exercise very helpful for most things but particularly after dealing with difficult people at work – it’s a healthy way of releasing stress and aggression so it doesn’t slowly poison you.
I love the quote by Nora Ephron – “Above all, be the heroine of your life, not the victim.” It’s how you respond to situations that matters. They may be being a total b*** but you’re not going to let them keep you down. You’re made of stern stuff. You’ve made it this far. Keep going!
I promise you’ll get through to the other side. One day, this will be a distant memory as you forge ahead with your successful career. That’s how I feel about the terrible bosses I’ve had in the past now. Heck, they’ve inspired this blog so I guess I should thank them! Mwah!
Have you been bullied at work? Do you have any tips for dealing with difficult people? I’d love to know. If you know anyone who works with an “interesting character” like those described in this blog, please forward this blog on to them.
Enjoy the rest of your week.
~Rachel
*This is of course not legal advice – if you want employment law advice contact me via Gunnercooke!