How to Stop Beating Yourself Up
“You’ve been criticising yourself for years and it hasn’t worked. Try approving of yourself and see what happens.”
I recently went for dinner at Evelyn’s in Manchester with a lovely friend who I used to work with. Between bites of charred cauliflower, deep-fried courgettes, teriyaki mushrooms, and chips (we ordered all the food and it was glorious), we caught up on life, careers, and everything in between.
At one point, my friend asked me something that really stuck with me. She said:
“How do I stop beating myself up when I get things wrong?”
It’s a question I hear often from female lawyers—and it broke my heart a little to hear it from someone as smart, kind, and capable as my friend. She told me how she sometimes spirals into negative self-talk after a mistake, replaying it in her mind and using it as evidence that she’s not good enough.
My response was this:
“Be intentional about thinking better thoughts about yourself on purpose.”
It’s simple, but powerful. What I meant was: when you notice you’re thinking something negative about yourself—something like “I always mess things up” or “I’m not cut out for this”—catch it. Pause. Then consciously choose a better thought.
Not a fake or overly positive one. Just one that’s true and helpful.
Something like:
“I am learning and growing all the time.”
“Everyone makes mistakes.”
“This is part of being human.”
“This doesn’t define me.”
This stuff really matters. After all, your thoughts create your feelings, which drive your actions and ultimately shape your results. If you're constantly thinking critical, self-defeating thoughts, your confidence and performance will take a hit.
But if you intentionally choose thoughts that are kind, compassionate, and empowering, your actions—and outcomes—start to shift too.
You might think you’re just “reporting the news” when you say harsh things to yourself. But often, you’re simply repeating a thought you’ve practiced so many times it feels true.
I speak from personal experience here: I’ve been an expert at this in the past, constantly heckling myself in my head for minor slip ups. It’s only in more recent times that I’ve realised how much this approach was holding me back.
And so I asked myself - what would happen if I started practicing a different thought?
What if I stopped letting every mistake become a judgment in my head—and started treating myself like a friend instead?
This has taken me a LONG time but I think I’m getting there.
This mindset shift isn’t about ignoring feedback or brushing past things you want to improve. It’s about recognising that beating yourself up doesn’t lead to growth. Kindness, and thinking better thoughts about yourself does.
So, the next time you catch yourself going into a spiral of self-criticism, try this:
Notice the thought.
Name it: “Oh, that’s the thought where I say I’m not good enough again.”
Replace it with something better—on purpose.
This takes practice. But it’s worth it. Because when you start thinking better thoughts, everything changes.
Your confidence. Your energy. Your career. Your life.
And yes—dinner with friends, good food, and real conversations help too.
Enjoy the rest of your week.
Rachel