How to Overcome Self-Sabotaging Patterns and SHINE as a Female Lawyer

“It is never too late to be what you might have been.”

— George Eliot

As female lawyers, we often face immense pressure—juggling a tough career, personal lives, and societal expectations. These challenges can make us vulnerable to self-sabotaging patterns that not only hinder our career growth but also affect our well-being.

This is why I was thrilled to welcome Estelle Read of Beee Coaching to the Female Lawyers’ Club Membership to deliver her insightful masterclass, How to Overcome Five Self-Sabotaging Patterns, So That You SHINE.

Here’s a summary of what she shared and why it’s relevant to female lawyers striving to get ahead in their careers while maintaining work-life balance.

The Five Self-Sabotaging Patterns

Estelle highlighted five patterns that many of us may recognize:

1. The Perfectionist
   Perfectionists set impossibly high standards for themselves, often leading to paralysis, procrastination, or burnout. For lawyers, where details matter, this tendency can spiral into overworking to the point of exhaustion.

2. The Superhuman
   The Superhuman feels perpetually inadequate, working harder than everyone else to prove their worth. In law firms, this manifests as long hours, over commitment, and difficulty saying no, often at great personal cost.

3. The Natural Genius
   This pattern combines perfectionism with the belief that we should be able to achieve lofty goals first time around. When faced with challenges that require repeated effort, these individuals feel unworthy—a mindset particularly damaging in the demanding legal profession.

4. The Soloist
   Soloists struggle to ask for help, seeing it as a sign of weakness. Female lawyers often feel the need to prove themselves in male-dominated environments, further reinforcing this pattern.

5. The Expert
   Despite being highly knowledgeable, the Expert never feels good enough. Female lawyers may undervalue their experience compared to colleagues, leading to overpreparation or hesitancy to take on leadership roles.

The SHINE Process

To tackle these patterns, Estelle introduced her five-step SHINE framework, designed to combat imposter syndrome, stress, and burnout. Here’s how it works and why it’s a game-changer for female lawyers:

S – Self-Assessment
Self-awareness is the first step to change. Estelle encouraged us to identify our self-sabotaging patterns and understand how they hold us back.

H – Havening
Havening is a psychosensory technique used to reduce stress and rewire unhelpful thought patterns.

It was developed by Dr. Ron Ruden, a New York-based neuroscientist and general practitioner, along with his brother, Dr. Steven Ruden, a dentist. They introduced Havening as a therapeutic approach based on the principles of neuroscience.

Havening involves gentle, soothing touch on specific areas of the body, such as the arms, hands, or face, combined with guided mental exercises like visualization or recalling positive memories. This touch is believed to stimulate delta brain waves, which are associated with deep relaxation and emotional processing.

The technique works by altering the way the brain processes and stores distressing memories or stressors. It helps reduce the intensity of the emotional response linked to those memories, effectively making them less distressing. This allows us to tackle events from our past which have created limiting beliefs which are, whether consciously or otherwise, affecting our actions today and holding us back from achieving our full potential.

I – Inner Captain
Estelle encouraged us to develop an “Inner Captain”—a positive inner voice that provides encouragement and clarity. Estelle encouraged us to talk to ourselves in a calming and supportive way, using constructive words and tone. Lawyers often have loud inner critics, and cultivating an Inner Captain can counterbalance self-doubt, especially when facing a challenging environment at work.

N – Non-Negotiables
Setting non-negotiables is key to maintaining work-life balance. Whether it’s boundaries around working hours or prioritizing time with loved ones, this step helps us create space for what truly matters without feeling guilty. Estelle pointed out that so many of us suffer from “good egg syndrome” where we put everyone else first and ourselves last. Putting boundaries in place is essential if we are to avoid stress-related illness later in life.

E – Enable Health
Finally, Estelle emphasized the importance of physical and mental well-being. This involves fuelling our bodies properly, getting enough sleep and “going to the joy gym” – doing things that we love!

This will boost our productivity, resilience, and confidence—critical for navigating the demands of legal careers.

Why This Matters

I know how easy it is for ambitious female lawyers to fall into self-sabotaging patterns. We agreed in the session that most of us have ticked all of the boxes Estelle mentioned at one point or another. These tendencies can hold us back from reaching leadership roles, negotiating better pay, and achieving balance in our lives.

The tools Estelle shared in her masterclass are vital for breaking these cycles. By embracing the SHINE framework and implementing her antidotes, female lawyers can not only thrive professionally but also create fulfilling, balanced lives.

Remember: whilst our jobs can be very challenging, we have the power to rewrite our story and create a career—and life—we love.

Enjoy the rest of your week. 

Rachel

P.S. Estelle’s book, Inner Brilliance Outer Shine, is a must-read for anyone dealing with imposter syndrome, stress, or burnout. It’s packed with actionable insights and practical tools to help you shine from the inside out.