Did You Ask Nicely?
“Whatever you are meant to do, do it now. The conditions are always impossible.”
In Female Lawyers’ Club, we’ve recently talked about negotiating a higher opening salary when you start a new job.
I told the group about one study of graduates which showed that, whilst 57% of male participants negotiated their starting salary, only 7% of female participants did.
In other studies where both men and women negotiated their salaries, the men tended to get more than the women (59% more in terms of percentage increase). When this pans out over a whole lifetime, the men would end up earning DOUBLE the women’s salaries.
Studies have shown that there are social sanctions for women who ask for more money that do not apply for men. This is because women are breaking gender norms - the norms that they should be grateful for what they are given. For women of colour, the sanctions are stronger.
The advice given by some quarters to counteract this is to “ask nicely”. To adopt a friendly social style. To lean in and smile whilst asking in a friendly tone for what you want.
Smile, but not too much.
You only need to see how former President Donald Trump has publicly attacked Presidential nominee Kamala Harris for her laugh to understand that women can be accused of being crazy or weird if they are seen as being happy.
When we discussed this issue in the membership, the group’s faces fell as they realized what they were up against. We talked about how ridiculous and unfair it is that women have to do this but men don’t.
It got me thinking about a case I am running at the moment. I am acting for a senior female leader in a sex discrimination case involving allegations of sex discrimination against a senior male manager. The company’s lawyer is male. We have discussed settling the case. Throughout every piece of communication, the male lawyer’s tone and message has been disrespectful, derisory and downright demeaning. Their initial offer was pitifully low and has only increased very recently.
The implication in the company’s response to the negotiations has been: “who do YOU think you are, to ask for more?”
I wondered whether the tone of this response has been compounded by the fact that I am also female, and I am asking for more on behalf of my client?
Who do WE think we are, for asking for more?
Would the male lawyer have been quite as disrespectful in his correspondence had he been faced by a male senior manager asking for more? And would it have made any difference if that male manager had been represented by a male lawyer? I think it would.
I can never prove that the intra-lawyer negotiations have themselves been impacted by gender discrimination. To do so, I would need to see how the same male lawyer responded to a similar case involving a male lawyer on the other side. I obviously do not have access to this information.
I do however know the statistics and research on how men and women are expected to behave in a negotiation, and the social sanctions which women face if they do not gratefully accept what they are given. And so it seems likely to me that, even with our collective DECADES of experience, my client and I are treated less favourably by asking for more.
It’s only by talking about these things that we bring them into the open. The male lawyer in the case might not have even been aware of his bias and if and how it was affecting his conduct of the matter.
So let’s start a conversation.
Has anyone else faced a similar situation? Have you negotiated your starting salary? I would love to know.
Enjoy the rest of your week.
Rachel
P.s. New members will gain free access to my exclusive course The Successful Lawyer when they join the Female Lawyers’ Club membership. Within this course, we talk about the core skills you need to succeed as a lawyer, including negotiation in a male-dominated profession (82% of partners in the top 10 firms are male). To join the waitlist, add your name to the waitlist by clicking the button below.