No Time for Golf
“You gain courage and confidence from doing the things you think you cannot do.”
Are you a boundary boss? Or does the word “yes” fall out of your mouth before you’ve even had chance to think?
My boundaries have historically been porous in the extreme. I rarely said no to anything as I hated disappointing people, even a tiny bit. As women we are socialized (and often expected) to say yes and help people, and it can be very hard for us to refuse a request, even when our plates are already overflowing.
I recently read the book “Boundary Boss” by US Psychotherapist Terri Cole and it was eye-opening. I hadn’t realised how bad my boundaries had been (virtually non-existent in the past) until I read her stories of how she’s helped clients over the years see what’s their responsibility and what is quite simply none of their business.
In her book, Cole talks about what’s on “your side of the street” (i.e. your responsibility) and what’s “not your side of the street” (other people’s issues that are none of your business and which you need not concern yourself with). If you politely say no to something which you really don’t have capacity to do, how the other person responds is up to them and not up to you. Cole tells us that we can think that someone else’s distress is ours to fix when, in fact, their emotional experience and problems are definitely theirs to deal with.
Obviously whether something is on your side of the street very much depends on the facts and so there can be no one size fits all. The key is in thinking about it at all, rather than defaulting to “yes” every time without any regard for your own capacity.
I personally find the metaphor of asking what is on my side of the street very helpful. As I read the book, it occurred to me that I had spent a considerable amount of time preparing a legal document for free after being asked to do so by a friend. A probate lawyer could have knocked this up in 10 minutes but I’m not a probate lawyer so it took me absolutely ages. Why on earth was I doing this? It was outside of my area of expertise and I really should have said no. I don’t have any spare time as it is, let alone time to prepare legal documents for free which are not in my area of expertise!
I had also agreed to go for golf lessons with a friend. This would involve a couple of hours each week of lessons and practice time. Once again, I don’t have the time or the bandwidth! And yet I had defaulted to yes as I hadn’t wanted to let my friend down.
Cole explains the importance of having healthy internal boundaries. Essentially this means following through on your word to yourself; doing what you say you’re going to do for yourself, and not abandoning yourself as you prioritise everyone else.
“You feel peaceful inside because you can trust yourself enough to take care of you.”
I had never thought about this before. I flake on myself all the time, and hadn’t considered how this may affect my state of mind.
Cole says that changing these patterns takes time, but the most important element to your success is setting your intention to stop abandoning yourself. If you’ve promised yourself that you’ll go to the gym after work, it’s important that you follow through on that promise even if, say, a friend asks you to go shopping with them instead. In doing so, you’ll build self-esteem as you start to trust yourself to do what you say you’ll do and recognise your own value.
A great piece of advice from the book was to pause before answering. That may give you the time you need to assess if you have the capacity to agree.
To take action when a boundary has been crossed, Cole suggests the following process which you may find helpful (I did):
State the issue (e.g. “I would like to talk to you about how you keep borrowing my jacket without asking me”).
State your feelings (e.g. “I’ve been looking for the jacket for ages and I’m frustrated that you’re only telling me now that you took it without asking me”).
Make a simple request – this is where you say what you need in a non-confrontational way (e.g. “I’d like to make a simple request that in the future, you ask me before borrowing the jacket”).
Suggest an agreement (e.g. “Can we agree that if you want to borrow any of my things, you’ll ask me first?”).
She points out that this will feel difficult and awkward at first, as you won’t be used to doing it. But she urges us to do it anyway!
This whole book is so useful for recovering people-pleasers like me. If you have recurring boundary issues I recommend you give it a read.
Is this something that resonates with you? How are your boundaries? Do you do legal work for free? I’d love to know.
Enjoy the rest of your week.
~Rachel