How to say no without everyone hating you
My post about female lawyers doing too much non-chargeable work has so far had 42,776 views on LinkedIn. This issue seems to resonate with people!
I know from speaking to female lawyers that saying no is something many of us struggle with. It’s not easy, after all, to switch off a lifetime of conditioning to be a “good girl” and trying to please everyone. Most of us are conscientious types who want to do well and the unfortunate corollary of this can sometimes be that we say yes to too many things.
There are many situations in which a female lawyer may be asked to do something she doesn’t want to do, or that isn’t in her interests to agree to. People have written whole books about how to tackle this. However, for today, I want to share a quick tip on saying no which I’ve found really helpful – it allows you to protect your boundaries and your relationship with the person requesting at the same time. Win!
This is what is called a “positive no”, described by Harvard professor William Ury in his book “The Power of a Positive No”. It’s built around a “yes no yes” framework and is based on respect – for you and the other person. It goes as follows:
YES: say yes to yourself by recognising and expressing your needs. This can include affirming the other person.
NO: say no in a matter of fact and clear way that does not leave any suggestion that you may be able to do it another time. You can give a brief explanation but they don’t need to know every last detail.
YES: Develop the relationship with the requester by finding something to say yes to; for example, suggest they contact someone else or find another solution. You are not taking on the responsibility yourself but you’re showing your support by trying to help them in a small way.
Here’s an example. Your colleague asks you to help out with the office charity fundraiser. It’s on a Saturday and you’d already agreed to take your nieces to the park. Try saying this:
[Start with a yes] The charity event sounds amazing! Well done on helping to organise it. Thank you so much for asking me.
[Then say a clear no] Unfortunately, I already have commitments this weekend and will not be able to come.
[Finish with a yes] It sounds like a great event and I am sure you’ll raise lots of money for a worthy cause.
Do you see how this would feel better than, say, shifting about, looking at your feet, mumbling something about being busy but you’ll try and come later on (even if you have no intention of turning up)?
However graciously you say no, you’ll sometimes get a negative reaction, and that’s ok. In those circumstances, you can express empathy and then restate your no. You’ll always disappoint someone at some point in your life. It’s surely better to ensure you’re not disappointing the most important people in your life, such as yourself and your family.
I realise of course that saying no is simply not possible in all situations. Junior lawyers may long for the day when they can refuse a task! To which I say: I see and hear you, and know it’s tough - I’ve been there. Hang on in there – it doesn’t last forever. You’ll be the boss one day. I’m sure you’ll remember to be nice to your junior lawyers when you are!
How are you at protecting your boundaries? Get in touch and let me know. I’m a genuine practising solicitor writing these blogs and I love hearing from you!
Boundaries are one of the topics we we talk about in the FLC Membership. The doors are opening in January. To be first in line, sign up to our waitlist by clicking on the button above.
~ Rachel