I remember reading years ago that women are more likely than men to use softening language, and qualifiers, in their emails, as a way of conveying friendliness and taking up less space. This undermined their authority and meant they were taken less seriously. I was pretty annoyed when I read that, mainly because I knew how squarely it applied to me.

And I thought: “but how am I supposed to make people like me if I don’t say sucky things at the beginning of my emails, so they know I’m a nice and non-threatening person? I can’t not be liked! Please like me!” Lol. (No, but really.)

Anyway. The article went on to give examples of such undermining words and phrases which women use more than men. Like, “sorry to bother you” and “apologies for the interruption” and “just thought I’d check” and “apologies for the delay” (what, we can’t even say sorry that the work is late now?). I was befuddled. These words and phrases decorated my emails like confetti. If I removed them, surely I’d just sound like a b*tch? Or a man. And we’re not allowed to sound like men because patriarchy.

Since reading this article many moons ago, and feeling initial shame at reading how much of this loser language applied to me, I have tried to implement the tips into my communications. Not all of them, I’m not a complete monster. But as many of them as I can without retching.

Tara Mohr, in her wonderful book “Playing Big” says:

Letting go of your unhelpful speech habits is not about adopting an authoritative communication style that doesn’t sit right with you in your heart; it’s about giving up the self-diminishing patterns that stem from being afraid of power or of taking up space, or from believing what your inner critic has to say.

YES, Tara!

I’ve set out a list of common qualifying phrases in my Email Like a Boss Cheat Sheet, that you can print out and put on your wall.

This can be your reminder to sit on your hands every time you want to apologise for the   interruption (you’re not interrupting; you’re doing your job!). 

Once again, you have a right to be here and take up space.

Try it. Then email to your colleagues - you can play “shrinking language bingo” with each other.

Let me know what you think. I’m all ears.